Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." 

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."  

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."  

"Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea."  

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.  

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.  

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.  

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"  

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."  

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. 
  
The wife asks, "Do you  know her?" 
  
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." 
  
"My God!" says the wife,  "Who would think a person could  go on celebrating that long?

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for escargo for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a very inviting bar just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great to have just a little drink?" So he went and ended up spending the whole night in that bar, finally falling asleep.

At seven o'clock the next morning he suddenly realised, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"  He grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the  defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for  the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card." 

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is a chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

As a computer consultant, I get to see all kinds of computer problems.  And since I've been in the industry for 27 years (Since 1977), I've pretty well seen them all.  Or so I thought.

True story:  I've actually seen a computer with two floppy disks jammed into the drive to the point that the drive had to be replaced.  Apparently when the computer said "Put in Disk 2" it should of been more specific.  (True story.)

I've seen a lot of times that the client would explain everything they are doing and you would walk them through this thing and that thing only to give up and go on-site.  When you get there you find out that they didn't actually have the printer cable hooked up, but they swore up and down they did cause they had it plugged into the wall.

Many times you'll find a computer with PEBKAC or ID:10-T errors.  Sometimes you'll find a customer that you just want to... ok, well.  You get the idea.

But in all of my years, I've never seen THIS.

A woman went out to a local computer store to buy a computer that her family wanted her to get so she can e-mail them. The sales person told her that they would deliver the computer, set it up and give her some pointers on using it.  If she had any problems later all she had to do was call their "Technical Support" they would talk her through it over the phone or come back to her house to find the problem. The sales person asked her if she wanted to purchase 2 years in-house warranty, the woman said yes.

A few months went by, she was getting good sending and receiving mail and checking the other web sites with only one call to tech support until one day -- She called tech support.

SUPPORT: Hello, technical support how can I help you

LADY: Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noise at me so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on the computer started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing.

SUPPORT: I will have a technician come over first thing this morning, just leave the computer just like it is so they can find the problem and fix it or change it out with another computer. Give me your address; phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as they can.

When the technician got there, the lady showed the technician where the computer was, said what happen to it, this is what the technician found wrong.

In the search for Intelligent Life in the Universe, or at least for the occasional bright idea from one of our managers, we've started using a Personality Test from The Keil Centre Chartered Psychologists.  At the end of the test, you'll be given the opportunity to either contact me or your very closest psychologist.

QUESTION #1:

How do you put a giraffe into the refrigerator?

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QUESTION #2:

How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?

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QUESTION #3

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

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QUESTION #4:

There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles, how do you manage it?

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Sometimes as owner of a company, you have to get a little strict when you come up with policies.  And you have to have policies.  Else things would just turn to anarchy, which is typically considered bad.

So to avoid total and complete anarchy and destruction of the human way of life, I've enacted the following policies here. If you are a manager of your company then I do highly recommend posting these policies at your place of business too.  If you improve on these, please feel free to submit the changes.

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DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

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Laughter is the best medicine.  And one of the best forms of laughter is the ability to be able to laugh at yourself.  Sometimes we, as humans, or at least most of us are, get all bent out of shape when someone makes a remark and we take it the wrong way.  Many times the things we hear that we the were a slam against us, our culture, our race, or whatever, wasn't any of those things.  Many times it was just a random thought, or a slightly misworded sentance.  So relax.  The world isn't out to get you because someone made a joke about your <insert classification of joke here>.  Just laugh.

In following that up, I received a joke in one of the hundreds of emails I get a day.  (Thank goodness, and my company's expertise, for keeping them from actually hitting my INBOX.)

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road.  The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.  Halfway down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Of course, as a Consultant, I see the problem.  They shouldn't all have been driving.  Just one of them.  Such things often will cause a crash, but that's a different article.